Secret agents are always hot
by Green Sphynx
Summary: (This is not the OC story the summary suggests it is) Shortly after Kyle left without clear reason, a secret agent came to town. They might have been interested in what she was going to do at first, but her strikingly familiar face soon distracts everyone... of everything. Eventually Style, but bits of K2 and bigger bits of Kyman too.
1. Chapter 1

**You know that feeling where you have to write tons of stuff, but for some reason you find yourself writing new fanfictions all the time? It would be sooo nice if I could just write all the things on my to-do list instead...**

**This story is unrelated to my previous South Park story, I'm just recycling some ideas in different ways.**

**Warnings: yaoi/slash, very stupid people and probably some English problems along the fic.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything in this fic.**

**Hint: I can't possibly have been more obvious without saying it straight out, but please look closely anyway. Every part is written from one person's point of view, so you will read exactly what THAT person sees or thinks, which is not necessarily the truth. They could be morons, just like everyone in South Park seems to be. So don't be deceived the same way as the characters are ;)**

* * *

"Goddammit, why is this so fucking boring?"

"I'm sorry for not being as interesting as Kyle, but you could be a little more polite about it."

"Aw, fuck it Kenny. You know that's not what I mean." Stan lifted his head from where he dropped it on his arms, only to throw himself back on the rickety school chair in a dramatic display of utter boredom. "It's boring without him here because he's _supposed_ to be here. If you weren't here too now I'd probably be ready to kill myself."

Kenny grinned. "Really? But you'd still have Cartman!"

"My point exactly."

"Have you heard from Kyle since he left?" Kenny tilted his head, frowning slightly. "I only got a rushed call when he was packing, and not even a text since."

"He gave me a call the day after he left, but nothing since," Stan pouted. "He didn't even properly explain what was going on. Just that he really needed to be gone for a while, and he'd call when he was coming back. God knows when. Said it could possibly take months."

"Did we say something wrong?" Kenny joined the pout, drooping on his chair.

"He said it was to do with his future though."

"You think he had a call from his future self?" The smirk on Kenny's face was hilarious, and Stan couldn't help but snort.

"Wouldn't surprise me dude. Not in this fucking town."

"I still miss him though."

Stan leant his elbows on his desk, not responding. 'Missing' Kyle was an understatement. How did this even happen? And why so fast?

And why was it still so unbearable even after a week?

"Take your seats children."

"Mr. Garrison, what a wonderful surprise!" Kenny smirked widely, tipping his chair back to put his feet on the table. "Did you get yourself promoted to high school teacher now?"

"Is it his life's purpose to keep us completely uneducated?" Stan could hear Wendy whisper in despair.

"Feet down Kenneth. And no, I didn't, I'm just here to give you snotty brats some information."

Stan raised an eyebrow. Mr. Garrison giving information. That'd be a first.

The balding man sat down on the teacher's chair and proceeded to lean forward towards the class conspirationally. "Ok, I don't know if you kids heard, but tomorrow you're going to have a new student in this class."

A shocked mumble went through the room, and Stan sat up in surprise. A new student? In South Park? But nobody moved in to town recently!

"Shh!" Mr. Garrison flapped his hands to quiet them down. "I'm here to warn you! They say she's a secret agent, and she's here undercover for business." His stage whisper went extra dramatic on the 'business' part. "Watch out for her. Don't let her catch you! And don't be tricked, she's supposed to be gorgeous."

"What would a secret agent be doing undercover in a high school of a hick mountain town?" Wendy asked out loud, not hiding her scepticism in the least.

"How should I know?" Mr. Garrison sat up in indignation, before standing completely. "Well, I told you what I know, and it's your own responsibility to keep yourself safe now. Good luck kids."

"The hell?" Stan turned to Kenny as Mr. Garrison left the room. To his surprise Kenny was looking thoughtful.

"So that's why they were clearing out the old house of Mrs. Tennet."

"What? Wait, the house of the old lady who choked on the candy she was always giving to little kids?"

Kenny nodded thoughtfully. "They were working on it. Everyone thought they were just clearing it out to have it taken down, or be sold. But I guess it was already sold then. It's the only place possible."

"I didn't hear of anyone moving in anywhere," Stan had to agree. "So some beautiful chick our age is going to move in there by herself, with all secret stuff related to her secret job, while going to school with us? Dude!"

"Kyle would've loved this one," Kenny smirked.

But that only served to ruin Stan's mood again. Because Kyle would've.

...

Kenny was perfectly aware of how clichéd it was, but he couldn't help himself. He _had _to whistle.

The girl in the doorway flushed in surprise, a healthy red blooming all over her face thanks to her ginger disposition. He noticed her eyes flashing to Stan first, before she gave him an uncomfortable look, blocking the doorway.

Mr. Garrison's information had been spot on, she was gorgeous. She had sleek vibrant red hair dropping to her collarbones, and fine freckles dusting over her nose. Her eyes were the greenest of green, standing out in her red blushing face. He was sure they'd be just as gorgeous on her pale skin when she wasn't blushing. She was lanky and didn't have very defined hips, but the front department looked quite right, like a nice handful without being overbearing. Overall, the image of a shy beauty, finished perfectly by the blush.

She jumped slightly when she noticed people behind her, and she quickly set a few steps into the classroom, looking around nervously. Obviously everyone was already staring at her.

"Over here gorgeous, the seat next to mine is free," Kenny called out, waving at her with a smirk.

"So far for not letting her trick you," Stan chuckled at him, but he didn't care. Even if she'd lock him away in a dusty empty cell for the rest of his life, that woman would be worth it. She would be his new project for sure.

...

He couldn't be completely sure, but that heat on his face felt awfully much like a blush. Only he didn't blush. Especially not for some ginger girl. Gingers were dangerous. This was a secret agent ginger, so even more dangerous. He was sure she was after him.

He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, swiping some crumbs of his desk. The bitch only spared him a glance before moving over to Kenny. The poor rat just _had_ to start seducing the secret agent the moment she walked in. He couldn't understand why, she was ugly as hell. If being ginger wasn't bad enough, she was scrawny, ill developed in the chest area and hardly any ass to speak of. Now that he thought of it, she resembled the ugly Jew. No figure, red hair and a big nose. Yeah, big nose. Ugly woman.

Of course she didn't have the furry arms with ginger fluff like the Jew rat, nor the explosion of curls on her head. That would've been disgusting.

So he wasn't blushing, and he wasn't feeling a pang of jealousy when she hesitantly sat down next to Kenny. He didn't stare at her scrawny ass outlined in her short skirt as she sat, or the elegant curve of her back. He hated her just as much as faggy Kyle already.

Only she wasn't a guy.

...

She looked at him first! The moment she walked in, she immediately looked at him. Damnit, he was so screwed!

He gave the secret agent a hesitant smile while she sat down next to Kenny. She was looking around curiously, but didn't falter to return him a shy smile immediately.

"So, gorgeous, what's your name?" Kenny leant sideways on his chair, stretching his body in the most lewd way that would still resemble any form of decency.

"Autumn," she replied, flushing a little again. "Autumn McDowell."

Autumn... That fitted her perfectly with that hair. Stan had immediately noticed her hair was almost the same shade as Kyle's. Just a little darker, and certainly shinier. With such vibrant red hair, he couldn't blame anyone naming their child Autumn. He wondered about her parents' hair colour, but he doubted he'd see it if she was here on a mission.

"What brings a beautiful lady like you to a snow covered mountain town like South Park?" Kenny relentlessly flirted without taking in consideration the time Stan needed to process the previous information.

"I don't even really know myself," she answered Kenny's flirt with a sheepish laugh. "Let me tell you I didn't choose this place, I was sent here for the fresh air."

"The fresh air?" Kenny lifted an eyebrow imploringly, and Stan halted his thought on the previous information to focus on the new stuff.

"Yeah, you know? How they used to send people with lung problems to places with fresh air to heal? Sort of like that, I suppose. This environment is supposed to be better for me."

"Better than what?"

"D-Denver?"

"Am I making you nervous?" The smirk on Kenny's face was pure evil and he leaned towards her, causing her to lean back quickly.

"Y-yes, actually. You are."

"Don't be scared, pumpkin, I'm going to rock your world and I'll be gentle about it."

"Stop licking the ginger's ass already!" Cartman suddenly spat.

Autumn's head whipped around in surprise, and Stan noticed how a look of disgust shortly flashed over her features.

"Don't be so jealous Cartman," Kenny drawled, looking around smugly.

"Cartman?" Autumn hesitantly prodded.

"Where's my manners!" Kenny whipped back around, quickly grasping one of her hands to peck it lightly. "Kenneth McCormick, at your service. Please call me Kenny. The fat tub over there is Eric Cartman, but don't mind him, just keep your eyes focused on me."

She looked at him doubtfully, Cartman fumed and Stan kicked Kenny's chair.

"Oh, and this is Stanley Marsh," Kenny grinned, waving a hand around to the raven dismissively, "Stan's okay. If I'm not around he's a good second choice."

To Stan's surprise Autumn chuckled in response. "You're not just a little full of yourself, are you?"

"I like to think of myself as cocky."

Stan kicked Kenny's chair again for good measure, knocking the blonde off balance to crash to the floor. The way Autumn pressed her hand to her mouth to keep in her laughter was just adorable, and definitely worth the kick that send him to the ground next.

...

"Please stop wrestling on the floor like pigs and sit on your chairs." Their most beloved teacher entered the class with flair. Stan climbed on his chair chuckling, Kenny incapable of keeping in his own laughter even while he was trying to glare Stan down. Autumn turned to the front, smiling mischievously.

"As you noticed, there's a new student in your class," their teacher stated dismissively. "Autumn McDowell moved to South Park just yesterday, so be good kids and show her around a little. Don't let her disrupt your studies."

Stan noticed from the corner of his eye how Autumn was trying to subtly look at Kenny. Or maybe him, as he was on Kenny's other side. She flashed him a little smile when he turned his head to look, and he felt warm. She was really beautiful. Like Kyle.

He jolted in his chair, turning to face the teacher. He didn't just think that! Autumn was pretty, and a girl. It was normal for him to be interested in her. Kyle was definitely a guy, and not good to be interested in! He wasn't gay. At all. Even if he practically cuddled with his super best friend, that didn't make him gay for the redhead!

All he had to do was prove it. All he had to do was win Autumn over before Kenny did. Or Cartman, as the fatso was definitely in love with Kyle from deep inside his closet, and Autumn looked enough like Kyle to be the perfect way for him to prove himself straight.

Yes, Autumn was the perfect tool to prove himself completely straight. Perfectly.

* * *

**Yes, I do love reviews. A lot. If you are confused you can ask, but I might not give straight answers in order to avoid giving too many spoilers.**


	2. Chapter 2

**It's really strange for me to write this from all these different pov's, when normally I would've taken only the one I now left out. I suppose I'm just challenging myself by writing it like this.  
**

* * *

"You wanna hang out tonight?"

Stan rolled his eyes at Kenny's blatant flirting. He had barely given Autumn a chance to talk to the other girls.

"Oi, poor piece of crap!" Cartman huffed and stepped up to their tables while they were putting their books away. "We were going to hang out with us guys tonight! What's she got to do with us?"

"Don't be a prick," Stan told him dismissively, "if she wants to hang out with three guys she can."

Kenny pouted at them. "But I wanted to..."

She interrupted him with a giggle that sounded slightly unnatural. "Don't worry, I'd love to hang out with you guys. Just tell me where to go."

"You wanna come along immediately? So you don't get lost?" Stan smiled at her, trying for his best comforting face.

"Uh, sure." She looked thoughtful. "I have to get some groceries though. I don't have anything at home for breakfast tomorrow."

"Then stay over," Stan blurted out. Kenny spontaneously went into a fit of laughter and Cartman turned red, huffing. Autumn look slightly uncomfortable.

"I m-mean," he scrambled to correct himself, "Kenny often stays over too, so it's not like it be just us! And... And oh! You can sleep in Shelly's room! I mean, I have an older sister who's out to college, so you could borrow her room of course!"

"Stop rambling," Kenny coughed happily, smacking Stan on the back. "Don't worry about him, Princess. It's just that we all think a single girl must be real lonely in a big house all by herself, am I right?"

Autumn blushed, fiddling with her fingers. "Y-yeah. I... I'd love to stay over. But we have to get some stuff from my house first then."

"Sure thing," Kenny grinned, and Stan let out his breath in relief. He wasn't making a very good start, saying stupid things to her like that. He only said that because she reminded him of Kyle. It was only normal Kyle always staid over, but you can't go asking a girl you just met to stay over at your place the same night.

"I wouldn't sleep in that hippies house if I were you," Cartman rumbled angrily as she swung her bag over her shoulder.

"Why not?" She implored, tilting her head cutely.

Cartman turned a little red and waited just a second too long to answer. "Because you could catch his hippie virus, that's why!"

Yup, Stan was pretty sure now he was right about Cartman. The fat boy had no idea how to flirt, but he was going to try anyway. He wondered for a short moment whether it was a good idea to back off from Autumn if both his best friends were also going after her, but he decided against it. She was just like Kyle, he couldn't just let her go. Besides, Kenny was just playing around like he would with any pretty girl, and Cartman was only trying to convince himself he liked Autumn because he was closet gay for Kyle. That made Stan the one with the most genuine feelings and therefore the one with the best chances.

"I'm not worried about turning into a hippie," he heard Autumn respond with a somewhat forced chuckle, "I'm not like that."

"Hmph, next time we hang out at my place again," Cartman grouched, leading their way out.

"Dude, I don't want to run into your mother with some smelly bloke again," Stan complained.

"Shut up about my Ma!"

"Mrs. Cartman makes the best of cake though," Kenny tried to placate.

"I'd love to try the cake," Autumn blurted out unexpectedly. They stared at her in surprise for a moment before Cartman started grinning.

"Yeah, you _have_ to try my Ma's cookie dings, they're the best."

Stan looked on in horror as she smiled at Cartman and the fatass grinned back. She wasn't seriously trying to flirt with Cartman, was she? Was she insane?

Well, she did move to South Park for the fresh air. And was a secret agent. So she probably was.

Or she was actually secretly trying to frame Cartman, of course. But she looked at him first this morning in class. She immediately singled him out in a whole room of strangers. That means she either had a 'love at first sight' moment, or a 'you're the one I need to get locked up' moment. Maybe she wanted to get him through Cartman?

Or better yet, the other way around. Maybe she spotted him as the weakest link to get Cartman. Or could this be about Kenny instead?

Oh fuck. What if it was about Kyle? He _did _just mysteriously disappear only a week ago, without clear reason.

"It's really too bad Kyle isn't around. I'm sure you would've liked him, but he just left last week."

Stan clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. Stupid Kenny! Don't sell your best friend out to a secret agent, you asswad!

"Kyle?" Autumn inquired innocently.

"Yeah, our fourth best friend," Kenny kindly explained, completely oblivious to Stan's signing him to shut the fuck up. "He's pretty much attached at the hip with Stan, but he just left like that. I never expected him to leave us just like that, especially Stan. I think Stan broke up with his ex just for Kyle."

"T-That's not true!" Stan shouted, waving his hands. "Will you stop making me out as gay already, Kenny? Kyle's my best friend, nothing more! I broke up with Wendy because we just weren't good together!"

"Which was because you couldn't keep your hands of the Jewrat and refused to make time for your supposedly precious girlfriend," Cartman cut in sharply, "even _I _know how to treat a girl better than you do."

"Shut the fuck up, fatass!" He swirled around to face Cartman, feeling distinctly like he was taking up Kyle's role of fighting with the tub of fat.

"After all those years of dating the ho, I'm sure you're still a virgin," Cartman smirked maliciously.

"And after not dating anyone ever, you'd be completely disgusting if you weren't," Stan shot back, rolling his eyes, "like you'd ever understand how a relationship works."

"I keep her happy, she keeps me happy. End of story." Cartman scoffed.

Stan snorted and turned away from the fatass, resuming his walk towards his house.

"Don't let yourself get nervous over their babbling, Princess, they're just nervous because you're the first girl they're seeing up close since ages."

"One more word and I'll kill you Kenny," Stan growled.

"Don't worry about it," Autumn responded sweetly, "I don't really mind. It's kinda funny to watch you guys, and I'm sure it will pass once you get used to my company."

"So which of us do you prefer, as it is now?" Stan could hear Kenny smirking even with his back to the pair, and he flushed angrily.

"I don't think I'm quite ready to decide on that yet," she answered mischievously. "It seems like your group recently lost a guy, so I'll just wait patiently until the new alpha male is established."

"The fucking Jewrat was not the alpha male!"

...

"Do you wanna try," Stan held out the controller to the girl who had been watching in awe at their playing for a while.

She looked up at him with some alarm. "No! No way!"

"Come on, it's fun," he smiled, jiggling the controller a little.

"But I'm no good at games!" If Stan knew anything about how to read people, this was the most blatant lie he had seen in weeks. She looked like she really wanted to try, but was probably too shy to do so in their presence.

"Don't worry, we'll teach you." Kenny reached out to pluck Stan's controller from his hand, pressing it into Autumn's. "It's not that difficult. We'll even set the game on the easiest mode for you." He grinned and changed the difficulty without waiting for her response.

"But I don't want you guys to see me play," she muttered, but still moved the controller to hold it in her hands correctly, ready to play.

"Let's see what you can do," Kenny started the game, and she hesitantly started playing. The first thing Stan noticed was that she was making mistakes on purpose. Why the hell would she do that?

"You play like the Jew faggot," Cartman grumbled, shifting over to her, "lemme show you how it's done." Stan saw Autumn stiffen up just as much as he did himself when Cartman wrapped an arm around her to take the controller in his hands over hers. He twisted his thumbs to steer hers, showing her the tricks of playing the game without any trace of shame.

Autumn on the other hand had turned as red as her hair, and seemed frozen in Cartman's hold. It actually surprised Stan Cartman's arms were long enough to fit around both his belly and the girl, no matter how thin she was. It might be the first time he noticed the fatass had actually lost weight over the years. Nevertheless, he was now all over Autumn, and he didn't like it one bit.

Kenny was scowling too, but he wasn't completely sure about Autumn's opinion. She might be stiff and blushing like hell, but she wasn't fighting him off. In fact, she seemed the be relaxing in his hold, starting to follow his lead on the controller more actively.

"That's more like it," Cartman rumbled contently.

"Yeah, so get off of her, you perv," Kenny sniggered a bit stiffly.

"Oi, who're you calling a perv?" The boy spat angrily, backing away from Autumn quickly.

"It really does seem like I'm lacking," Kenny made a dramatic gesture, "I'm supposed to be the biggest perv in town, yet my two friends managed to best me in just one day time. It's not fair, _I_ can't ask Autumn to sleep over without getting her sick, _I_ can't offer her my mom's cookies, and the fatass - of _all_ people - beats me in cuddling up to her!"

"Maybe you're more of an honourable guy than you thought?" Autumn suggested with a playful smile.

"Honourable? Me?!" Kenny made a heavily insulted face. "Never!" Before Stan or Cartman could react, he dove onto Autumn, knocking the controller from her hands. The game crashed in the background, but nobody really cared.

"Kenny!" Stan barked, lunging to his feet to pull Kenny off the girl. Kenny was persistent though, wrapping his arms around her and not letting go. Stan struggled to get the meagre blonde off, but Kenny just laughed in response. Quickly Autumn's frightened little noises turned into a hiccupping laughter as well, and she started struggling against them both.

"If I can't have you, I will tickle you to death so neither of them gets you," Kenny grunted playfully, managing to tickle Autumn and keep Stan off his back at the same time. That is, until he received Cartman's foot in his side with a nasty hollow sound.

He rolled off, heaving for air while Stan dragged him onto the bed.

"You okay, Autumn," Stan heard Cartman ask, almost sounding worried.

"You didn't need to kick him so hard," she responded a little snippily, out of breath. "He was just tickling me. I'm not made of glass, you know?"

"Yeah, but you never know with Kenny how far he's going to grope," Stan muttered.

...

While Kenny spread himself on the soft bed, flapping his arms to the sides in glee, he couldn't help but notice something peculiar. His rasping breath slowly died down to a normal rhythm.

But Autumn.

She really did resemble Kyle a lot. No wonder Stan and Cartman were all over her. He really liked her and all, but they all knew his intentions were just to play around. He wasn't sure if that made him less or more honourable than Stan and Cartman, who were clearly trying to replace Kyle in their hearts with Autumn.

But it was a little creepy how her unrestrained laughter sounded just like Kyle's.


	3. Chapter 3

Stan woke up from getting cold.

He blinked his eyes groggily, groping around him for the covers. He opened his eyes a little wider when he noticed the covers were already over him. Yet, the spot next to him was still warm.

He looked over at Kenny on the other side of the bed. The boy was curled into his blankets, tangled up completely. How could Kenny possibly have gotten himself into such an intrinsic knot with his covers in the small time that the spot next to Stan was still warm?

He scowled. What business did Kenny have cuddling up to him anyway? Just because he did that with Kyle, didn't mean he was gay and would cuddle up to any guy next to him.

He rolled over pouting, plucking at a couple of stray red hairs that somehow managed to remain on his pillow since the last time Kyle had been over. A small smile spread on his face when he realised the pillowcase had been washed since then. _Kyle would always leave a reminder of him everywhere, no matter if you tried washing it away._

Would Autumn be awake yet?

...

Cartman was annoyed. Thoroughly annoyed.

He was waiting by the bus stop all by himself, Stan and the whole sleepover party being late. In the end he had been the only one being kicked out in the middle of the night. Autumn got to sleep in the room of Stan's sister ho, Kenny got the honour of Kyle's spot in Stan's double bed. And instead of granting Cartman the airbed Kenny tended to occupy, he got kicked out to go home by himself.

Who knows what they had been doing to Autumn while he wasn't around! The poor rat's ass was such a pervert, no doubt had he tried to convince Autumn to sleep in the double bed with them. What if he spent all night touching up the defenceless girl? What if that faggy hippie mistook the redhead for his Jew and cuddled up to her all night, while she couldn't get away from him?

This couldn't happen anymore. If she were to stay over anywhere, it'd have to be _his_ place next. And _his_ place _only._

"Oi, what took you so long?!" he shouted when he spotted the three hurrying to the bus stop.

"Stan's dad had some trouble understanding Autumn wasn't Stan's girlfriend," Kenny sniggered, Stan and Autumn both blushing.

"What?" He spat, turning to the raven head. He took hold of the other's jacket, pulling him close threateningly. "What did you do to Autumn, you sick fuck?"

"He didn't do anything!" Autumn quickly interjected. "It was just his father assuming things because I stayed over."

"The old man got all mad because he thought his little boy had been fucking with her like a rabbit all night," Kenny teased, making the two in question only blush darker.

"That does it. She can't stay over at your place anymore, who knows what you'd do to her."

"I didn't do anything," Stan shot back, pushing the fatter boy away from him. "Autumn slept in Shelly's room, and I was in mine with Kenny. The only wrong stuff happening was this sick fuck cuddling up to me during the night."

"I didn't!" Kenny suddenly looked upset. "I stayed on my side of the bed all night!"

"Yeah, so why was it warm next to me when I woke up," Stan rolled his eyes, and Cartman snorted.

"Ew, you poor rat are after our asses too now. Keep your gay hands off of me."

"That would be bisexual for you, fatass," Kenny mocked back, "and don't worry, my hands won't be going anywhere near you if I get a choice in the matter. There's plenty pretty women and men to chose from." Eric shuddered when the blonde grinned. "Like Autumn, or Stan. Oh, wouldn't I pay good money if I got to do Kyle real good."

"Sick dude," Stan said uncomfortably, and Cartman had to agree with the hippie this time.

Autumn just seemed embarrassed as hell by the whole conversation.

"Just ignore these gay bitches," he went to side up next to Autumn when the bus arrived. "I'm sorry you had to spend the night with them."

"N-no, I had fun," she said quietly. He smirked when he noticed her shuffle slightly towards him. Ok, so maybe it was two millimetres, but hey, he wouldn't complain. She clearly felt more comfortable in his healthy straight company than with those two gaywads.

"How about we go somewhere after school, just the two of us?"

She looked up at him in surprise, stuttering slightly.

"I err, could take you shopping or something," he added awkwardly. Was he being too straightforward with her? But Kenny didn't play it subtle either the day before, and she agreed to that too.

"That, uhm... That sounds like fun," she quietly agreed.

Her cute face was worth it. I was worth everything. The blush, the freckles, the halo of deep red framing it. He almost forgot to shout at the hippie for the angry shove he received right before getting in the bus.

He smirked to himself. No doubt he'd stepped on poor Stanley's toes asking Autumn out for a date.

...

He made sure to accompany her home so she could dump her school books and sleepover stuff, but he didn't give her much time for herself before he dragged her off to the mall. He wanted to be away before Kenny decided it was a good idea to tag along.

But as soon as they reached the mall, an awkwardness came over them Cartman could not appreciate. She seemed shy to go into any shops, and he didn't know for shit which were the good ones for a girl.

"Uhm. Let's go get a drink or something. My treat."

She nodded shyly, following after him pretty much like a lost puppy. He liked that. He liked her submissive behaviour a lot. So much better than Kyle's loud bickering mouth all the time. But he could've done without the awkwardness.

"C'm on, sit down." He gestured at a chair while he sat down opposite of it. She sat down tentatively, peeking up at him shyly.

"So. Uhm. How do you like South Park up until now," he awkwardly asked.

"I like it a lot," she answered softly, "everyone in class has been really nice to me up until now. I was afraid they'd start bullying me, being the new kid." She chuckled quietly.

"Nah, we grew over that ages ago," he scoffed. "And we only did that if the new kid was some pussy boy. We like new girls. You noticed the Nichole girl? Everyone loved her the moment she got in, but of course Token got to get her. They are meant for each other." He had no idea where he was going with his babbling, and honestly Autumn didn't seem too pleased with him talking about another girl, so he shut his mouth momentarily. What the hell _did_ she want to talk about? Girls are so difficult.

He was given respite by their orders arriving, and he took a moment watching her gingerly sip her hot tea.

"So your mother likes baking?" She suddenly asked.

He barked out a laugh. "Hell yes! She bakes the best stuff ever. You should come over and try real soon."

She nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I should. I'd love to try your mother's baking." A mischievous twinkle came in her eyes. "So your father does the working then?"

Cartman reeled back a little. "Well, I don't have a father, actually. My mother works too."

She looked apologetic. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"Don't worry," he brushed it off, "it's been just the two of us since forever."

"If you don't mind me asking... Did your father leave you, or did he die?"

"Both."

She fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Don't worry about it, really. Hey, you know what? I've been looking at the display of the shop across for a while, and they have a skirt that would look really good on you. You should try it on when we finish here. I'll get it for you."

That was completely smooth. She had no idea how smoothly he just changed topic.

She looked around at the display, eyeing the skirt. "You really think that would look good on me? It's awfully short."

"You got long legs, you should show them off."

"Yeah, but in this case I'd also freeze them off. I have no idea how Bebe and the other girls survive this cold in such short skirts."

"It's the other thing they wear," Cartman waved his hand awkwardly," you know. The pantyhose or something? They look pretty thick."

"You make a habit of studying girls' legs?" she asked mischievously.

"Not particularly." He coughed. "Not more than any guy would."

"Oh, I see." She turned back to him completely, grinning at him. "Any guy is studying my legs now. And you want to put them in a miniskirt and a pantyhose. Who's the pervert now, Cartman?"

"You should call me Eric." He refused to admit he was pouting.

"But doesn't everyone call you Cartman?" She asked, slightly confused.

"Yeah they do. But I want you to call me Eric."

"Does that mean I'm special?" She teased.

"Y-yeah."

She looked surprised at his honest confession. She blushed, and quickly looked away.

"Why else would I ask you on a date?" He quickly defended himself.

"I... I dunno," she muttered. "I just.. Uhm..."

"You can't say you don't like me," he stated cockily, "I've seen the way you respond to me. You don't hate me. So the least you could do is give me a chance."

"Yes!" She practically shouted, before sinking back into her seat. "I mean, yeah, of course I'll give you a chance. It's just so... you know, sudden. We only met yesterday for the first time, and you're already telling me I'm special and everything. I don't know how to interpret this."

"What, I can't like you better than anyone else because I only met you yesterday?"

"Of course you can! But I just need a little time to process this. I'm meeting so many new people, I get so many new impressions, it's moving too fast for me now."

"Don't worry, I wasn't going to force myself on you," he mumbled unhappily, "I'll give you time to think about it of course."

"How about I visit you tomorrow? I... I can try your mother's baking and I'll try to give you a better answer."

"Tomorrow?" Cartman perked up. Ok, so it wasn't going as smoothly as he hoped, but tomorrow was pretty fast. He could give her a day. He grinned at her. "Deal. Tomorrow you'll come over at my place, and you tell me if you want to be my girlfriend. But I have one condition."

She frowned. "A condition?"

"I'm not giving you a day to think about it for free. It's only fair, because you are the one who started it, and you are refusing to finish it immediately. So I give you a day time, and you give me a kiss in return."

He had the feeling he was blushing as he stated this, but his face couldn't possibly be as red as Autumn now became.

"B-but you! But then! I can't do that!" She blurted, before slapping her hands in front of her mouth.

"It's only fair," he repeated, smirking even through his blush.

"If I do that, I won't be able to look you in the eyes anymore," she protested.

"You won't have to until you come over tomorrow and give me your answer."

"So I kiss you, and you'll leave me alone until tomorrow after school?" She asked quietly.

"Promise."

She looked around nervously, her fingers curling around the table edge. Eric waited patiently for her decision, seeing her face turn even redder - he had no idea how that was even possible - and she was biting her lip uncertainly.

Finally she lunged herself forward as if standing up, only to drop back again. On the second attempt she stood, and slowly shuffled around the table to his seat. She cast another glance around before tentatively leaning in.

Cartman smirked and tilted his face up, not inclined to help her any more than that. This was just too much fun to watch. Torturing Autumn was just as much fun as torturing Kyle. Yet he had to keep himself from gasping when her warm lips quickly brushed over his, barely pressing forward at all.

His hand shot out to dig his fingers in her hair, pulling her back down to press their lips together for real. Her eyes clenched shut and she trembled, but she kissed him with warm sweet lips like she was supposed to. Such a wonderful scent. Such a lovely taste. He could kiss her all day.

Alas, he couldn't. He had asked for one kiss for one day thinking. If he didn't let her go, she could rightfully claim more days respite. And he didn't want that.

His hand slid down from her fiery red hair to her slim shoulder, until it fell away from her completely. She raised trembling, standing tall above him with a face he couldn't read. Then she turned, and stalked off.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm a bit disappointed I'm getting zero response on this. Does that mean nobody has a clue what's going on here? Well, it won't be long before I stop trying to be just obvious and it is said just straight out...**

* * *

Well, _that_ was not what he had expected to see. And looking at the sudden hurry Autumn left in, she hadn't really planned on doing that either.

Still, she had allowed Cartman to manipulate her into kissing him. Everyone knew Cartman was a fat manipulative bastard, but he hadn't seen him manipulate a girl into anything personal like that before.

It was so tempting to walk over and mash his fist in the smug bastard's face, but he opted against it. Instead, he decided to follow Autumn. He might be pissed at Cartman for pulling such a stunt - before he had the chance himself, even! - but he wasn't quite happy with how easily Autumn apparently whored herself out. Cartman might thrive on it, but she was going to hurt Stan pretty badly with this.

He wouldn't allow her to do that. Not while Stan was vulnerable in the absence of Kyle.

Kenny made sure to go around the back, so the fatass wouldn't spot him. Luckily Autumn wasn't difficult to find, sitting on the low wall before the parking lot right outside the mall.

"You're kind of easy." He stated bluntly.

She jumped and turned, wide-eyed and almost looking scared.

"No need to stand up for me," he grinned, moving to sit on the wall next to where she had sat. She lowered herself onto the edge tentatively, looking at him worried.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean?" Kenny tilted his head. "What do you think I mean?"

"You... you saw?"

He nodded.

"I'm... I'm not normally easy." She fidgeted with her skirt, looking down in what seemed genuine shame.

"You're not? So I suppose Cartman is just such a manipulative bastard he could make any prudish virgin kiss him when they hardly even know each other?"

To his surprise she gave him an annoyed glare. "It would seem that way, yes. Let me tell you I wasn't planning on kissing him now. Or anytime, really."

"Oh, so it has to do with your 'mission' then?" He made sure to air quote, grinning at her paling face.

"M-my what? W-what?"

"Your mission? We were told you are a secret agent. You mean to say you're not? You really expect us to believe you came to South Park for the fresh air?"

She bit her lip, glancing around. "Don't tell anyone."

"Everyone already suspects."

"But nobody actually _knows_, now do they?" She asked sharply.

"You're trusting me with it then?" He chuckled. "Geez, you know me as well as Cartman. He just blackmailed you into kissing him without even knowing for sure why you're here, what makes you think I won't do the exact same?"

"I trust you." She was looking him straight in the eyes, all serious and no joke.

He nodded slowly. "Ok. That's an honour, I suppose. I'll promise not to tell anyone."

She smiled, and Kenny suddenly felt warm. "Thank you."

Wow, how did she do that? She looked incredibly cute just now. So cute in fact, that he was now torn between vowing to protect her secret forever and doing the exact opposite to blackmail her into his bed. She was damn good, she was.

"You remember a couple of strangers coming to South Park, just a few weeks ago?" She asked, pulling him out of his short but quick fantasies.

"Uhm, those two guys who died?"

"Exactly. They were my, uhm, colleagues, I guess. One got run over by a truck the day after they arrived, the other was found floating around dead in Stark's pond two days later. Nobody even found out how they died. Maybe our target got hold of them, maybe this town really kills off people like that, but either way, they decided to keep an even closer eye on this place than they were already doing."

"So instead of two bulky men they send a fragile girl?" Kenny snorted.

"Indeed they do," she responded solemnly. "Those two men came in as outsiders, while I immediately enrolled in the school and found myself friends with you locals. They expected my chances of surviving higher than the random adults thrown in."

"Fair enough," Kenny admitted. "I might be able to shed some light on the deaths of those two guys though. The one who got run over by a truck was trying to save a kid from being hit. The one who drowned got too close to Cartman's mother."

"You're saying Cartman killed the guy who drowned?" She asked in surprise.

"I doubt he killed him himself, but like I mentioned before, he's a manipulative bastard. It wouldn't be the first person he managed to get killed."

Autumn shivered, quickly looking around her as if afraid Cartman would've followed her out of the mall.

"So... How do you know about the one with the truck accident? You know the driver?"

"I know the kid."

She looked back at him in surprise. "Really? Who was it?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he winked. No use telling her it was him. Stan, Kyle and Cartman were still the only ones outside his family who believed he died and resurrected all the time. He doubted Miss Secret Agent would believe him.

She gave him a calculating look before sighing, drooping on her place. "At least the kid lives."

"How d'ya know?"

"Because you said you know him, not that you knew him." She winked.

"Smart girl," he bumped her with his elbow. "Come on, let's get inside the mall. It's freezing here."

"I don't want to see Cartman."

"He'll have left by now. No way he's going to hang out in the mall all by himself."

"You sure?" She sounded doubtful, but still followed him as he stood.

"Sorry. I won't treat you to a drink like the fatass that," Kenny waved his hand apologetically, "I don't have a mother whoring herself out to spoil her single child. In fact, I'm not a single child at all."

"That's a bit harsh," Autumn chuckled, not sounding like she disagreed at all.

"Everyone knows Mrs. Cartman has a couple of 'professional' relations while her son is at school," he pointed out, "he is the only one to deny it."

"Well, would you like me to get you a drink then?"

"No way," he laughed, "I'm not going to get treated to a drink by a girl. I may be poor, but I have my pride."

"So if I were a guy, I'd get to treat you to a drink?" She smirked at him.

"That's a whole different story, Princess." He gave her a lecherous grin. "But for now, let's just walk around. Any shops you wanted to visit?"

"Not really." She shrugged indifferently.

"Then why were you here in the first place?"

"It was Cartman's idea."

"You just went along?" He snorted.

"He seemed to want to do something alone with me, and apparently he thought the mall was the right place. I couldn't complain, the mall is so full of people he couldn't have done anything I didn't want."

"You think so?" He quickly took hold of her wrist, pulling her into a tiny corridor between two shops. He leant over to whisper in her ear. "I think the mall has plenty places to do stuff you don't want to do with him."

She wriggled around in his grip uncomfortably, but still scoffed. "Like he'd fit in here."

Kenny barked out a laugh. "Touché. Then again, he still managed to convince you to kiss him." He leaned close. "No chance I can convince you to the same?"

"K-Kenny," she stuttered, leaning as far back against the wall as possible, "I thought we just decided I could trust you."

"_You _decided you could trust me, I said no such thing." He chuckled and leaned in to kiss her neck. Such nice pale skin. So many freckles.

"I knew you were a pervert, but I never saw you as a rapist," she told him harshly.

"I'm not raping you," he hummed, licking her.

"You are _licking_ me though," she retorted in disgust.

"You don't like it?" He moved up to press his forehead against hers, smirking at her mischievously.

Her eyes flashed up to his, uncertain. Green eyes, deep, sparkling, and completely confused. She had no idea what she wanted. She could've pushed away, or at least she could've tried. But instead she remained in his grip, pressed up against him, searching his eyes for answers.

"Shouldn't it be a lot easier for me to convince you to kiss me?" He breathed over her face warmly, enjoying her shudder. "I look a lot better than that fatass. And you are too gorgeous _not_ to have been kissed by me."

She squirmed. "You don't understand."

"Then explain." He brushed his lips gently over her cheek, causing her to shudder again.

"I didn't really want to kiss any of you, "she muttered, "not like this."

"But you already did," he told her defiantly, "where's the harm in doing it a second time?"

"Cartman asked me out."

That stopped Kenny for a moment. Was the fat fuck really that stupid? Well, of course Autumn was confused as hell.

To his surprise Autumn seemed to make a decision the same time he decided it might be best to back off for now. She pressed forward, pecking him on the lips shortly. Her face was burning red, and she tried to squirm out of his grip immediately after.

He laughed. He couldn't help it. She was too cute, too innocent, too lovely. "My, my, Princess, you call that a kiss? You think I'd let you go if you tempted me with a small peck like that? If anything, it makes me want to let you go even less!"

He pulled her body even closer to himself, her chest pressing flush against his. He ducked his face and snatched her lips, kissing her hotly. She made a cute noise in indignation, but quickly melted against him, surrendering to his lips. Of course she did. After kissing the likes of Cartman, Kenny's lips had to be pure heaven.

His hands slid over her back, pressing between her shoulders to get her even closer than close, the other descending to threaten right above her butt. She twitched, but didn't complain, still kissing back hesitantly.

She had twitched, and was flush against him. Something had felt off.

He pulled away, looking at her quizzically. She seemed confused for a moment, before turning a full embarrassed scarlet and attempting to squirm out of his grip again. When he reached up to grope her front she screamed, slapped him, and took his moment of shock to break free and bolt.

He remained in the position he ended in, squishing an imaginary boob in the air before him.

It took him a few seconds, he had to admit that much. And a minute more to connect _all_ the dots.

Oh.

Oh!

He smirked.

_Oh._

...

To the mall. Everyone to the mall. Seriously, what were they even doing there?

Stan felt left out. Cartman asked Autumn on a date to the mall and she agreed. Kenny went after them to see what Cartman was up to. When Stan wanted to come too, Kenny told him not to.

So here he was, by himself, at home, with nothing to do and nobody to talk to.

He missed Kyle so fucking much, it hurt.

Kyle wouldn't make him stay by himself. Even if it had been unpractical to spy together, he'd have taken him. They would've spent the rest of the day tailing the fatass, hiding behind potted plants and in dark corridors together. They would've been pressed close all day, without even realising it. Because it was nothing special to them. They were always close.

Only now, Kyle wasn't. He left without good explanation, without any more contact. And when Stan called him, his phone had been turned off.

He never thought it would hurt so much.

He wondered if he'd feel better if he could convince Autumn to date him. She would take his mind off Kyle. But on the other hand, they were so much alike, and she'd always remind him of Kyle with just the way she looked, or behaved.

All said and done, Autumn was still probably a secret agent and likely after Kyle. Stan was so screwed.


	5. Chapter 5

"How nice of you not to forget me."

Autumn's eyes flickered up at him, embarrassed. "You didn't say I had to come straight after school."

"I didn't say you had to come after dinner either."

She fidgeted, and Cartman sighed. He knew he shouldn't scare her now. Of course he was going to try and coerce her into agreeing to go out with him forcefully later on, but scaring her away now would only make his chances smaller.

"Come in, my Ma has baked a cake for you."

She followed him obediently. He led her up the stairs to his room, gesturing her to sit down on the bed. She did so without a word, looking up at him meekly. Just how he liked it.

He sat down beside her, making sure to sit close enough for their thighs to almost touch.

"Uhm," she muttered quietly.

"You thought about the answer?"

She nodded.

"Well?"

"I, uhm. I think..." She flushed dark red and dropped her gaze to her lap where her fingers were fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. "Ca- Eric. Eric, I'm... okay with giving it a-a try. I-I'll do what you want. I mean, dates- I mean going on dates! I..." Her shoulders shook and her fingers clenched in her lap, but Cartman smirked and moved to tip her face up at her.

Her eyes were wide and wet, and she quickly shook her head. "But you need to know! I-I might not be here for much longer. Or maybe I will. I don't know!" She looked pretty desperate and confused. When she said she might be leaving soon, it was like a kick in the gut, but he couldn't let it show. No, all he had to do was be all loving and overbearing, until he took all control out of her hands. Once she was completely his, she couldn't leave him anymore. If she'd try, he'd forbid her. Simple as that.

"It was always only temporarily!" She blurted out.

"Poopikins, I brought you and your honeybuns some nice cake and tea." Cartman glared at his mother as she entered without waiting his response. He noticed Autumn blinking in surprise and quickly wiping at her eyes.

"Mom, get out."

"Yes Poopikins," she smiled at them brightly and set the tray next to them on the bed, leaving immediately as commanded.

Eric pasted his smile back on his face as soon as his mother was gone, turning back to Autumn. "You seem upset. But don't worry, we'll be fine. We'll handle your possible departure when the time comes, until then, we'll be a perfect couple." He reached around and handed her a cup of tea.

She sniffled softly, eyeing the tea he gave her. "You drink tea?"

"No. But you do."

She gave him a surprised look.

"You drank tea yesterday at the mall," he clarified, "so I had my Ma make you tea with the cake. You didn't want tea?"

"Y-yes... I did want tea." He smirked inwardly when she smiled shyly, carefully sipping the tea he gave her.

Her eyes flashed to the side and she seemed to startle from his staring. Her fingers slipped and the tea cup tumbled. Cartman cursed and knocked the tea cup away from her, half of the liquid spilling over her shirt and skirt, the other half on his new carpet. She made a suppressed noise, pulling at the fabric of her shirt to keep it off her skin, tears in her eyes.

Cartman growled and looked at the tea stain on his carpet. If she didn't look so cute - and if it didn't open such nice opportunity - he'd be pissed right now. It just annoyed him he really had to wipe up that tea before he could start undressing her.

"I'll be right back," he grumbled, standing and leaving her by herself in his room. He only needed a dishrag or something. Did tea stain really badly? He never drunk the shit, he had no idea. But he wouldn't be happy if his carpet was ruined. He made his mother work hard to keep that room pristine.

"What's wrong, Poopikins?" His mother turned to him in surprise when he entered the kitchen.

"Autumn spilled the tea," he complained, "get me a rag to wipe the floor."

"Yes dear. I'll give you a new cup of tea for the sweetheart too."

"Don't bother, just give me a rag."

"You need to take good care of your girlfriend," Liane scolded mildly, boiling the barely cooled water in the kettle to pour another cup of tea.

"Oh, don't worry Ma. I will."

She looked around at his smirk and frowned. "Use a condom Poopikins. You don't want her to get pregnant while you're both still so young."

"Yes yes, understood." He kept smirking, taking the rag and the cup of tea from his mother. "Don't mind the noise."

"I won't," she beamed at him, probably thinking he was actually trying to be considerate saying something like that.

He scoffed and returned to his room. Opening the door, he found a peculiar spectacle. Autumn was by now flushed and slightly sweaty, her hair dishevelled and her skirt ridden up as if she carelessly dropped down on the bed. She was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Something wrong?" He asked slowly.

She quickly shook her head. "Nothing! I'm just, uhm, nervous." She fidgeted, looking away.

"Nervous?" He looked around, seeing the drawers of his night stand slightly open and some stuff on his desk out of place. He frowned. "Were you looking for something?"

"Condoms!" She blurted out, immediately looking completely mortified with herself.

He raised an eyebrow, amused. "Condoms?" He set the tea on his night stand, quickly throwing the rag on the floor and scrubbing it through the stain with his foot.

"Y-yeah." She practically whimpered. "I mean, I spilled on my clothes..."

"You did it on purpose then?" He stood before her, looming slightly. "Were you trying to seduce me?"

"I-I-I..."

"So that's why you were so fidgety confessing you wanted to be with me?" He smirked, leaning down now and pinning her to the bed. She looked like she was about to piss herself, really. The virgin trying to seduce him. If that didn't get him hot, what would?

Apart from Kyle, of course.

He frowned, shocked at his own thoughts. Here he was, pinning down the most beautiful girl in town, and he remembered the stinking Jew?

She whimpered, squirming slightly.

"I'll give you what you wanted, don't worry." He descended down on her before she could respond, pressing their lips together harshly.

She didn't respond. In the mall, she moved back at least a little, but now she seemed frozen. He moved a hand to her shoulder, and her whole body flinched away from it, trying to escape him. What the hell?

He lifted a little, looking at her with a frown. "What the fuck is wrong?"

"Maybe we shouldn't do this now," she quickly blurted. "I don't think I'm ready for this yet!"

"Then why were you looking for condoms in my room, you dumb bitch?" He saw her flinch physically at his words.

"Don't be so fucking difficult." He pressed their lips together again, roughly kissing her. She was so frustrating! She was just like Kyle, getting on his nerves without even doing anything. She _looked_ like the damn Jew, she _moved_ like the damn Jew, and she was just as deceitful too! You can't just seduce Eric Cartman and then try to push him off!

She squirmed harder by now. In fact, she seemed close to actually struggling. And still not kissing back.

He tangled his fingers in her hair and tugged sharply. She gasped, opening her mouth for him.

That should do.

He slipped his tongue inside her mouth, finally coaxing some response from her. Her tongue pushed at his, battling him for the confined space. She arched and bucked, and he moved down to put more weight on her. To feel more of her. Kissing her was great, but she was bad as fuck at it and he wasn't going to get hard over some sloppy tongue wrestling with a slut like her.

He removed his hand from her hair and placed it on her belly instead, quickly sliding it up over her skin. She froze for only half a second, before starting to struggle for real.

"Fuck! Hold still!"

"Get off of me," she hissed, shocking him with the anger in her voice. She looked scared, flushed and _angry_. Oh, _that_ aroused him well enough.

He smirked and his hand slid up over her chest. He wriggled his fingers under her bra without difficulty. No wonder, considering there was no boob underneath his hand, just a lot of padding above it.

He blinked in surprise, and she was as red as a ripe tomato. She let out a noise somewhere between a huff and a scream and shoved at him with both her hands. Dumbstruck as he was, she successfully managed to tip him off balance, sending him tumbling off of her.

Without a second of hesitation she shot up and fled the room. He could hear the front door slamming behind her, and his mother calling up at him worriedly.

Well, damn girl had a flat chest. That's why her boobs looked so small, all of it was just padding. He probably insulted her for life by just grabbing like that.

It did explain why she suddenly changed her mind and didn't feel ready yet.

Fuck.

...

Stan turned in surprise when he saw Autumn running through the street. She wasn't wearing a coat or a hat, and it looked like her clothes were wet. She was also flushed red and in a damn big hurry.

"Autumn!" He called out, causing her to skid to a stop with a frenzied look in his direction.

He quickly walked up to her. "Autumn, what's going on?"

"I, uhm. I..." She trailed off, looking confused. She shot a scared look over her shoulder.

"You shouldn't be out in the cold like this, you're all wet." Stan scolded, quickly taking off his coat to drape it over her shoulders. "Come on, get inside and warm up before you get sick."

She meekly allowed him to wrap an arm around her shoulders and lead her to his house, just three buildings from where they were standing.

"What happened to you?" He sat her down on the couch, all too happy his parents were out so he wouldn't get more bitching from his father.

"I spilled tea," she answered.

Well, that didn't make sense.

"You spilled tea," he repeated slowly. "You were running through town in wet clothes without coat looking scared to death, because you spilled tea?"

Her green eyes suddenly bored him to him. "It's what started it though."

He raised an eyebrow.

"I need to leave."

"Leave? No you don't! You're not leaving until you warm up and your clothes dry. Oh, you wanna change into something dry? I can lend you a shirt and some jeans for now."

"No no, you don't understand," she pushed his hands from her shoulders. "I need to _leave._ Out of South Park. And quick."

"W-why?" He asked, dumbfounded.

"Because I'm done here," she told him defiantly. She stood, as if ready to walk out the door, but Stan pressed her back on the couch.

"Done here? Your secret mission is over? You framed who needed to be framed? Fuck, what the hell is going on?"

Her eyes were big, green, and full of shock. Oh so enchanting though. "You knew as well?"

"Knew what?"

"The mission... I mean, Kenny also knew, but how? Am I that obvious?"

"No!" He laughed, trying to calm her. "Our old teacher came in and told us you were a secret agent the day before you came. We weren't too sure about his sanity, but when I saw you I knew it was probably true."

"Why?" She looked devastated.

"Well, duh, you're hot. Secret agents are always hot."

She looked at him incredulously for a moment, before snorting. She pushed at him again, but this time playfully. "I got what I needed. That's all you need to know."

"So who's the one in trouble?" He asked tentatively. "It's not Kyle, is it?"

"Kyle?" She looked at him in surprise. "He's not even here."

"Uh, yeah. I thought, well, maybe it had to do with why he left so suddenly."

"Oh."

"Who then?" He laughed awkwardly. "Please don't say it's me."

"Don't worry, you're all safe," she smiled warmly, and he melted a little on the inside. That was _just_ like Kyle looked when he smiled like that.

"But..." A thought came to him, and it didn't make him happy. "Does that mean I won't see you anymore?"

"Not like this," she conceded.

"But, I don't want you to go."

"Please don't worry about it. You have your friends. You have that Kyle guy. You don't have to miss me at all."

"Kyle isn't here, and I don't know when he'll return."

"Who knows, he might return really soon."

"You really have to go?"

"I'm sorry Stan. I really do."

Stan bit his lip, looking down at her gorgeous face. Secret agents were always beautiful. In any movie, any drama, any book even. Did they do it on purpose, to bully the people in the area they infiltrated?

"But if you have to go... Can I at least kiss you first?"


	6. Chapter 6

**And it's the last chapter already. It was never meant to be a long story, really. For the people who didn't realise what was going on by themselves yet, this chapter should shed some new light on the entire story.**

* * *

Her face was aflame like her hair, and she curled in on herself. Stan felt a throb in his stomach, equal parts sorry for asking when she looked so unhappy about it, and happy he dared to because this _was_ his last chance with her.

"What's with you guys and your obsession to kiss me?" He could hear her mumble.

"W-what?" His eyes widened. "You mean others have already tried too? You're only just here!"

"Kenny and Cartman both." She gave him a weak glare. "Care to explain why you are so desperate to add to the list?"

He gaped at her. Kenny... The fucking pervert already jumped her! And Cartman! He was going to kill the fatass!

"Stan?"

Her sharp voice startled him, and he looked in her inquiring green eyes. Strange though, how she managed to sound angry and meek at the same time, while her eyes only looked curious and slightly scared.

"Kenny is just a pervert like that." He told her truthfully. "I doubt he had any different intentions than just scoring you on his list. I'm pretty sure Cartman is substituting you for Kyle. The fucking fatass will never admit to being gay, let alone for the one who he's been bullying for all his life. You resemble Kyle so much you're a perfect replacement. So don't get your hopes up about him either. And I... I just like you a lot." He started fidgeting at the last part. That really didn't come out well, did it? After what he said about Cartman...

Even so, she was gaping like a fish. "C-c-c-cartman!? Is gay for m-m-m-Kyle!?"

"It's too obvious, everyone knows." He sighed in relief, feeling spared.

"_Everyone_? Oh fuck!"

"That's the first time I hear you curse," he chuckled, a little uncomfortably.

"And how about you then?" She jerked upright, suddenly in his face. He stumbled a step back, surprised. "You 'just like me a lot'? Aren't you supposed to be best friends with Kyle? If I fucking resemble him so much, how can you like me in any other way than a friend? Why the fuck are you asking to kiss me?"

"It's easier with a girl, ok?" He held himself defensively. "Ok, so maybe my intentions aren't completely top-notch either, but why would it bother you? You're about to leave anyway, all I was asking was a kiss. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"How is it easier with a girl?" She approached him, looking more and more angry. _Looking more and more like a fuming Kyle._

"I don't have to assume the unlikely case of you being gay," he defended. "Seriously, if I were to make a move on Kyle, I doubt he'd be too pleased. I can't fuck up our friendship for that. You, on the other hand, are a girl, so way more likely to like guys than Kyle is."

"Why don't you just fucking ask him?"

Stan was surprised when his back bumped into the wall, having backed up that much from her angry walk towards him. But not as surprised as he was by something else. "Wait, you're angry over me not going to Kyle, not about me using you as a substitute?"

"Stan. You're a moron."

He gaped at her disappointed face. _How...?_

She turned away from him, shoulders dropping and ready to leave. But he wasn't done with her yet. He grabbed her arms and flipped her around, pressing her against the wall instead. Her eyes flickered up at him in surprise. Big, green and sharp. Slightly wet. And with just that familiar hint of golden he had admired so often.

_Ah yes, a moron he was._

"You brought this upon yourself now," he said honestly before crashing his lips on the soft ones in front of him.

How come he never saw? How come he could study two faces so closely, and not think anything of the list of similarities? How come he couldn't smell past the waft of sweet perfume?

Of course now he could perfectly _taste_ beyond the perfume. And he could feel it. He could feel him writhing underneath his hands and desperately kissing back.

He chuckled quietly. So it seemed he had inherited all of his father's retarded genes then, if he couldn't even recognise his super best friend when he stood before him.

"S-Stan," Kyle weakly protested, managing to bring a little space between them.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, wrapping his arms around the red head's neck.

"I, uhm..." Kyle stuttered, probably completely confused with Stan's behaviour. "What...?"

"Sorry for doing that without permission," Stan said again, slowly. "But considering how angry you got, you should have seen it coming Kyle."

The body in his arms froze, then started shaking. "You... So you recognised me now?"

"I'm sorry for not recognising you before." He hugged the boy a little closer.

"You were not _supposed_ to recognise me," he huffed. "I was relying on your father's genes here. I would never have wanted you to see me walking around in a skirt."

Stan chuckled. "Too late. So gay, Kyle."

"You're one to talk!" Kyle struggled against his grip. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I told you exactly what I was thinking right before I realised it was you," Stan scolded slightly, "you tricked me into spilling my heart out, the least you can do is answer my feelings or have the decency to ignore them - as you weren't supposed to find out about them to begin with."

"Of course I answer them," he grumbled softly, "but why didn't you just tell me sooner?"

Stan's eyes shot open in surprise. He grabbed the smaller boy's shoulders and thrust him away from him to arm length, so he could look the other in the eye.

"You _what?_"

"If I didn't, don't you think I would've reacted a whole lot more shocked?"

Kyle just got out an undignified squeak before he was crashed back into the wall, Stan pressing their lips together again like a starving man would attack his food. Kyle whimpered slightly, but all it did was rile him up even more. _He had Kyle. Kyle was his!_

Kyle submitted to the kiss in seconds, relaxing in Stan's arms and kissing him back. Their fervent movements slowed down to deep and languid, not losing an inch in passion on the way.

Of course Stan was still going to kill both Kenny and Cartman for beating him to kissing Kyle, but for now, he could just enjoy the feel of Kyle's soft lips and bony body pressed up against him.

When Kyle broke away from him to gasp in a breath, Stan tightened his grip. With barely any effort he lifted the red head from the floor, walking them over to the couch. He dropped his squirming friend on the couch only to immediately crawl over him.

"W-what about your parents?" Kyle asked nervously.

"Dinner at the Stotch's," Stan grinned, moving down to kiss Kyle again. Kyle kissed back enthusiastically, apparently reassured by that. His hands moved up to clench around Stan's shoulders, keeping him down. Stan was more than happy to oblige in that.

They only moved apart when lack of air became a serious issue, and Stan quickly descended to the other's neck. Brushing aside long straight hair - he'd have to ask Kyle how he did that later - he kissed and nipped the white skin. Kyle gasped lightly, tilting his head to grant Stan better access. He felt tempted to create a huge hickey, just to claim his territory, but he was afraid Kyle would not approve. And no matter how submissive Kyle was acting this very moment, he knew better than anyone that is wasn't going to last.

So instead, he just nibbled his way down the soft and lightly freckled skin, down to where he could nip the red head's collar bone. His hands found the boy's stomach, sliding up skin delicately. He could feel Kyle tense slightly, but only realised why when he reached his chest. He grinned against his neck, tracing the outline of the bra against Kyle's skin.

"Don't make fun of me," Kyle told him breathlessly, reading Stan perfectly without even seeing his face.

"You played your role well though," Stan told him softly, reaching around to unclip the bra. Kyle shuddered, and Stan slipped his hands back to fondle the other's nipples.

"I told you," he gasped, "don't make fun of me!"

"I'm not," Stan chuckled, flicking a nipple between his fingers to draw out another gasp from the boy beneath him. Kyle bucked against him, and he let out an involuntary moan. The red head whimpered, but repeated his movement.

Kyle was just as hard as Stan was. Stan grinded down on Kyle's crotch, tempted by his movements. He would've let Kyle off easily this time, but if he started doing that there was no way he could stop, was there?

Kyle's fingers fumbled on his belt, trying to open his pants all the while gasping and whimpering from Stan's fingers on his chest and mouth on his neck. Stan quickly moved up to catch the Jew's lips again, flicking one hand down to help Kyle open his pants. He slipped his hand underneath Kyle's skirt quickly, gripping the other's length. Kyle moaned and circled his arms around Stan's neck, pulling him closer into the kiss.

The red head grinded into his hand, his hips making desperate movements to increase friction. Stan was only getting started though. He smirked in the kiss, moving his hand torturously slow over the Jew's arousal. It felt hot in his hand, so hard yet such soft skin. He wanted to devour it.

In fact, what was stopping him?

He pulled free from Kyle's grasp, causing another whimper - this one sounding actually disappointed - and knelt next to the couch. As far as Kyle hadn't been flushed yet, his blush now certainly exploded.

"Stan," he protested weakly, before Stan leant forward and flipped the skirt up. It took him all his willpower to ignore the cuteness of the panties his one hand was already stashed in, and bent forward, mouthing over the fabric. Kyle moaned and arched in response, encouraging Stan to continue.

He quickly slid down the panties to halfway Kyle's thighs, licking experimentally at the soft skin of the other's length. It got his more moans, more writhing, and a taste for more in general. He licked up the sides, gently fondling the base and Kyle's balls.

It didn't take much in the end though. As soon as he closed his lips over the tip, Kyle started trembling heavily, moaning and whimpering without apparent pause for breath. He flicked his tongue around the head and moved his lips lower down, and that was all it took. Kyle cried out in warning just a little too late, and while the body beneath him rocked in violent shudders Stan felt his mouth flooded with thick salty fluid.

He pulled back, feeling awfully good about himself. Licking the spill of his lips, he looked at Kyle, panting and flushed, sprawled on his couch. The red head was a complete mess. And Stan was the one who made him like this.

...

He had rung the bell, and he knew Stan was home, but he hadn't heard any response either way. Pressing his ear to the door only resulted in some muffled sounds, which could have been talking.

A very animated conversation then, if they didn't hear the bell.

He decided to go around the house and peek in through one of the windows. 'Autumn' hadn't been at her own place, nor did she seem to be at Cartman's - although he sure as hell didn't try ringing that bell. She was supposed to be there earlier today, so if she wasn't now Cartman wasn't going to be in a good mood.

That left Stan's house.

He snuck up to one of the windows and peeked in, being rewarded by a most tantalizing view. Stan was pressing down on the red head on the couch, nibbling along a creamy neck. Kenny licked his lips, already jealous. _He_ wanted to be there on that couch.

He kept watching until Stan had made his way down to the red head's crotch, giving the supposed girl a quick - and by the looks of it gratifying - blow job. He had to feel a little proud of his two friends. He taught them well.

Still, with Kyle being spent and Stan seemingly still enjoying the view, he felt this was the correct moment to ring the bell, give his congratulations, and ask if he could join in. After all, he deserved a little bit of revenge after being tricked by Kyle, hadn't he?

He walked back to the front door with a huge grin on his face.

Whatever shit Cartman had done to get a secret agent sent after him, it might have finally been a good thing to his most beloved hated Jew.


End file.
